2007-06-14 - No Chance in Hell

McMahon Dead --
"No chance. No chance in hell Mr. McMahon survived that blast," say investigators.

Mr. Vincent Kennedy McMahon, 1945 – 2007

Mr. McMahon was presumed dead after his limousine exploded in front of millions of viewers at the conclusion of USA Network's WWE MONDAY NIGHT RAW. Ironically enough, the blast came after Mr. McMahon was recognized by numerous admirers and enemies during yet another Mr. McMahon Appreciation Night. "It was almost as if Mr. McMahon knew he was gonna die--like it was scripted in advance by a group of wannabe, frustrated Hollywood writers...directed perhaps by his daughter, Stephanie," said Gerald Brisco, longtime company stooge. "But we know that's impossible. I haven't felt this bad since Ted Turner and WCW came after our families, our livelihood. Oh, poor, poor, Mr. McMaaahoooonnn. Hold me, Pat."

Undoubtedly now rotting in hell, Mr. McMahon leaves behind his wife, Linda McMahon, whom he married Aug. 26, 1966, in New Bern, N.C. Incredibly, McMahon, one of the greatest sinners in modern times, met his wife in church when Linda was 13 and he was 16. Mr. and Mrs. McMahon spawned two offspring: Shane and Stephanie, both of whom work for WWE, and both of whom are the two leading suspects behind the murder of their father.

Mr. McMahon, who bought Capitol Sports from his father, Vince McMahon (Sr.) in 1982, renamed the company Titan Sports, shifting the World Wrestling Federation's focus from a gritty parody of sport largely featuring overweight men to a family-friendly product spotlighting the finest steroid-enhanced, fake-tanned bodies in the land.

For whom the bell tolls, it tolls for thee: Mr. McMahon was a two-time World heavyweight champion, joining past Federation immortals like Bruno Sammartino and Bob Backlund.

The late Vince Sr.'s body reportedly has been spinning in its grave since 1984. "Well, you know, brother, Mr. McMahon was a pioneer," says former WWF/E champion Hulk Hogan, who set the record straight on his own steroid use in an emotional, truthful confession on the Arsenio Hall Show. The Hulkster briefly took steroids but only on doctor's orders to recover from injuries. Since that time, Hogan and McMahon prided themselves on maintaining bodies many wrestlers would--and have--died for. "Training, prayers and vitamins," Hogan said, wiping away a tear. "I ... guess ... the... prayers...just... weren't... enough... this... time. Brother."

Several colleagues were left stunned by Mr. McMahon's timely demise. "I can't believe he won't be around to fire my ass again," said Jim Ross, a member of the Mr. McMahon Kiss My Ass Club, one of the many nonprofit organizations founded by the former, dead chairman. "And I'll never be humiliated in my home state or via some agonizingly long skit poking fun at a serious medical procedure that I endured in my personal life. Complete disbelief. To be burned alive like that. On live TV. I can't imagine. Actually, that's not true...I know all too well."

Kentucky Fried: The former KFR colonel went out in a blaze of glory when his limo exploded. Somehow both original and extra crispy.

Mr. McMahon also proved himself a visionary outside the wrestling world. He launched the wildly successful World Bodybuilding Federation in the early '90s, setting pay-per-view records for posing contests funded by McMahon, and later, the Xtreme Football League (XFL), a viable, tasteful alternative to the National Football League, whose monopolistic practices greatly offended the now-dead chairman. "There shouldn't be just one option for a particular brand of sports entertainment," Mr. McMahon said in his initial press conference. "The viewer needs choice--it's the American way." The XFL shattered attendance records for upstart football leagues started by wrestling-company owners with tons of cash yet no real business plan. "In that sense, it was the perfect fit for NBC," said Dick Ebersol, president of NBC Sports. The production values and sports drama rivaled only that of SATURDAY NIGHT'S MAIN EVENT."

Out of time: TIME magazine is set to posthumously declare Mr. McMahon "Person of the Year."

Mr. McMahon also ventured into the movie business, producing NO HOLDS BARRED, which is often referred to as the "CITIZEN KANE of wrestling-themed movies starring Hulk Hogan and Tiny Lister." The movie delivered on Mr. McMahon's threat to showcase the Hulkster as the viewing audience had never seen him before, including romantic situations. "It was exactly what Hollywood--what the world--needed at that point in the '80s," recalled film-critic Roger Ebert. "Legend has it that Hogan was on the toilet when he devised the final fight scene for NO HOLDS BARRED. Not true. It was Mr. McMahon who was on the crapper. I may never see another film quite like it. I mean that."

To that point, we may never see another Mr. McMahon. For at least six weeks anyway. Or SUMMERSLAM at the latest. WRESTLEMANIA tops.

(Like Owen Hart and Eddie Guerrero before him, Mr. McMahon was honored via a touching, tasteful 10-bell salute during this week's WWE's ECW and SMACKDOWN! tapings.)

Vince McMahon caricature courtesy of www.wrestlingcaricatures.com.

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