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2008-02-29 - THE DAZZLER SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT by Adam P. Knave: Part 3 -- The Jewels of Doom!
DSA - The DAZZLER Service Announcement
Part Three: The Jewels of Doom!
We're back for issue three of the DSA, which, of course, also means issue #3 of DAZZLER. The issue was written by Tom DeFalco and drawn by John Romita, Jr. and Alan Kupperberg.
This month Dazzler met the infamous Doctor Doom. Why is he infamous? Well, let's take a second to talk about Doctor Doom. This is a man who is super-smart and controls a country. His face got scarred so he decided to wear an entire suit of armor. His mother is trapped in hell, so he learns magic as well to free her one day. This guy isn't exactly the most stable pin in the rack. I mean, good lord, you know, magic? Fix your face, or wear a hood or something. But an entire suit of armor? And the entire "mother in hell" thing always seemed fishy to me. Doom is .. and what's with that name? You expect him to be bad, right? Now if he was Doctor Slaphappy and he turned out to be evil maybe you would be shocked. Yeah. Let's just move on.
We open on a scene in the Fantastic Four's headquarters. Dazzler is testing her powers and the normal FF wackiness goes on as well, Thing and Torch fighting and joking around. The Torch sees a notice in the paper about an exhibit for the Jewels of Doom, fancy things from Doom's country that he no longer runs. Just to put in our heads.
Good thing to notice about Dazzler, here. There are guest stars constantly. This book manages to drag in every hero and villain you can think of. It could be for one of two reasons, to my mind:
One -- No one at Marvel thought the book could survive without a constant steady stream of other characters in the book to firmly drop Dazzler into the middle of things and make her appear to be important.
Two -- The fact that Dazzler was not a superhero but only a singer meant that in order to bring in the superhero elements that the book needed, they had to go outside of Dazzler herself.
It's easy for Spider-Man to fight a bad guy, he patrols. The Avengers get calls about invasions. Dazzler goes to auditions. So if they want superheroics, they have to shoehorn them in somehow. Fair enough, I suppose.
It just jars, when reading it. Because Dazzler, you realize, is a rock star. A rock star among superheroes, and the heroes are all stunned by her, in love and amazed. They bend over backwards to help her.
Music stars are better than super heroes. That is what we're learning. Which would mean that KISS is the best thing ever, because they were both for a while there. And Dazzler, of course, has KISS-like make-up on.
All calculated, I assure you. So Dazzler was all set to become the next KISS of the Marvel Universe. Anyway! Sorry I got lost in thoughts of KISS.
Dazzler, remember her, we're back to the story, she goes to see her agent, Harry Osgood. Harry talks like Stan Lee, suddenly. "Smile, Sunshine! Your marvelous and magnificent manager has been busting his bananas to stimulate your less than charismatic career!" Real line from the book. Why does he talk like Stan Lee? Who cares, it's fantastic.
Osgood introduces Dazzler to his field rep Lancelot Steele. Lance, as we'll come to know him, is a musclebound clod who is so in love with himself I worry about what he does when he's alone. He wears a wife beater, in black, with a heart in the center.
Come on! What is the deal with Lance? Why, Lance, why? Whatever! We find out the gig that Harry has lined up is at the U.N. event for the jewels that we heard about earlier, and it doesn't pay. Dazzler is upset and yet happy about the gig.
So she runs home to Daddy. Except Daddy doesn't approve of her life choices, oh no. He just walks away, cold and unfeeling.
We cut to the event! Doom's thugs sneak in and case the joint. They attack Lance but Dazzler comes out and saves the day. She skates around and gives odd lip service to her training for her act, which is why she is so good on roller-skates. It's a bit strange, that obvious need to justify her ability.
We also, at the end of the fight, get Dazzler's nominal war cry: "Go for it!" That's the best she could come up with. "Clobberin' Time" was taken.
GO FOR IT!
Nike did it better, but very similar. I wonder if they thought about having Dazzler as their international spokesperson?
"Hi, I'm Dazzler. I'm a rock star, the singing songbird of disco, and also a super-powerful mutant. Buy Nike shoes. GO FOR IT!"
Would've worked.
But right, we were ... yeah, Dazzler stops the thugs and then gets zapped by Doom! We cut quickly to the concert where nothing is happening. Because Dazzler is backstage fighting Doom. We also see the Torch in the audience.
But who cares about the Torch! We have pages of Dazzler fighting Doom and doing pretty well for herself. Somehow. Considering she's a crazy singer on roller skates who throws light around and he's the main enemy of the Fantastic Four. Maybe Doom had cramps. Bad shrimp. I blame bad shrimp. Or maybe government cheese. That could be why, too.
But still, in the end, Doom wins! He is after the Merlin Stone, see, and carries Dazzler off so he can make her do his bidding and get it back. But that, my friends, is NEXT ISSUE!
DAZZLER LOVE LIFE WATCH: The Human Torch seems smitten, folks!
DAZZLER CAREER WATCH: Well she had a gig, but it didn't happen. Which makes that two concerts in a row that haven't really happened for her.
NEXT TIME ON THE DSA: Even more Doctor Doom!
Adam P. Knave writes fiction, as well as other things and can be found at www.hellblazer.net, should you actually want to find him.
