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2008-02-08 - THE DAZZLER SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT by Adam P. Knave: Part 2 -- Where Demons Fear To Dwell!
DSA - The DAZZLER Service Announcement
And we're back! Welcome to the second installment of the DSA, the column where we study Dazzler like a Sumerian artifact.
When last we left our dearest Dazzler (Allison Blaire, if you're nasty. Wait, no, Janet Jackson lyrics can't help us now.), she had landed her first professional gig, at the expense of pissing off the Enchantress.
The Enchantress, of course, swore revenge and stormed off. Being an Asgardian with the power to, I don't know, do Marvel Comics Norse God type stuff really, that never works out well. Will it work out well for Dazzler? What do you think? Tom DeFalco wrote it. John Romita, Jr. drew it. It's in the Mighty Marvel tradition. How well could it go?
We open on Dazzler putting on her make-up, giving us a recap and having some stage fright. Happens to the best of us, really. Anyway she thinks back to her father who doesn't approve of her being a singer. Then we're with the Fantastic Four.
Yup. Just like that. We even get a "Meanwhile" caption to help us out.
So the FF are putting on suits, like three-piece black suits. A formal attire moment for them as the Human Torch and Thing start to bicker. See folks, it's normal for them. And then we're with the X-Men. We only get a "Just then" with the second jarring leap. We don't rate another meanwhile. I think that means we're being loved less.
Anyway we cut into the X-Men during a Danger Room session while they also talk about going to Dazzler's show. What is it with the X-Men and that Danger Room? You hardly see it these days but back in the '80s it felt like if the X-Men weren't out fighting they were in the Danger Room. How much time can you spend in a room called the Danger Room without getting hurt before you think of it as only the Fairly Hitty Room? And after a few years does it go down to only That Room Where We're Bored?
Eventually they'll have to refer to it as simply "The Room." No sense of style in that. Also, as a last Danger Room note, I think Crunch gyms should have Danger Rooms. To hell with treadmills and stationery bikes. Dodge some missiles and metal tentacles for a while. That'll get you in shape!
Uhm. Right. So we have half a page of X-Men and then we're with the Avengers, as Captain America puts a suit on, over his shield which is strapped to his back. Other Avengers are also getting ready for, you know it, Dazzler's show. That jarring jump rated only an "Elsewhere," if you were wondering.
So all right. The Avengers, the X-Men and the Fantastic Four walk into a bar... stop me if you've heard this one.
No, seriously, what the hell is going on here? Most of these characters don't know her, and even if they all just turned out for decent reasons - can you see Captain America, the Thing, Wolverine and Iron Man all going to a disco concert? To hell with Civil War! I call for the next big Marvel crossover to be called DISCO WAR!
Thing about it! Iron Man would be all "Abba rules, man!" and Cap would sneer and wave a dismissive hand. "Gloria Gaynor above all else, FOOL!" and then war would break out. A fancy dance war that can have no winners, only losers on all sides as the heroes slowly realize that dance-offs aren't the answer. Grooving to the beat is the answer.
DISCO WAR - a 17 part Marvel Comics Event, coming as soon as they hire me to write it.
So the concert starts and just as quickly the Enchantress appears backstage. Some guy backstage sees her and yells out "SWEET MAMA!" before the Enchantress puts him to sleep. Not, I mean, she doesn't kill him. Not "put him to sleep" like that. Just, literally, knocks him out with some magic. No stagehands were harmed during the making of this comic.
So the Enchantress starts messing with Dazzler, and we quickly get a note that Peter Parker is in the crowd (well everyone else was, I suppose we had to make sure we spotted Spider-Man). Dazzler starts to age super-ultra-magic fast! Oh no!
Luckily there's a huge disco ball nearby, so Dazzler can fire some light at it and ... uhhh ... "using it as a focal point, she unleashes a blazing beam of coherent light - a stunning, senses-shattering laser at the astounded goddess" which isn't how lasers work or anything, but hey, just wait until we get to part 10 of this tale. You think physics is being abused now? Just you wait.
But I'm getting ahead of myself.
With Enchantress dazzled, the heroes in the crowd take off to the bathrooms to change. Seriously, we get a scene with a bathroom full of stalls that we can see feet out from under as people change. It's a cute idea. Peter Parker comes in, realizes the place is too packed and heads up into the air ducts to get some privacy. It's all a nice little laugh. Except... we see the Thing in one of the stalls.
All right, look. If you're a giant man made of orange rock, you don't need to change into costume. You really don't. We know who you are. It isn't a secret. But there he is yelling out "Blasted cummerbund!" for the hell of it. And don't tell me he needs privacy to change! He's just taking off his suit. All he wears into battle are some giant speedos anyway.
So the heroes changes and charge! This is a team-up the likes of which you not only don't see these days but the kind that they would normally hype to all hell. In those days? Nope, they just all meet up and fight bad guys.
Enchantress summons a bunch of evil trolls and warriors to fight for her and we get a bunch of pages of fight scene, showing different heroes working together for what we're led to believe is the first time.
While the other heroes handle everything else, Dazzler closes the portal that Enchantress wanted to open to gain absolute power. Thus the day is saved. It really is that simple, sometimes.
Out of the wreckage of the club a music producer crawls free and offers Dazzler a card. A card for Harry Osgood, agent. Dazzler is happy, if wary. So the Avengers show up to shuttle her to her meeting in a quinjet that also has the X-Men aboard, and Spider-Man and the Fantastic Four. How big are those quinjets and... sure I get that they want to show support but the Avengers... how did that work?
"Cap, let's go pick up Dazzler."
"Ok, Iron Man, but first let's go pick up every other hero we know so they can take a random joyride in our sweet-ass jet. Then we'll get Dazzler. All to get her to midtown Manhattan, which is maybe five blocks from where we'll take off in our jet!"
"It's a risky plan, Cap, but I think we can pull it off!"
The Avengers -- dumber than bricks, but still heroic.
In Harry Osgood's office we meet Cassandra Ferlenghetti, his secretary. Great name, I think. The letterer, Jim Novak, might have disagreed, mind you, but I like it. Cassandra is kind of... well... a bitch. But the Beast pops in and distracts her. Dazzler sneaks into Harry's office to meet him!
Harry has no interest in hearing her audition though. And that's where this goes sideways. Outside his window all the heroes show up. They beg Osgood to let Dazzler sing. Were there just no crimes happening? Why do they care so much?
And if they did care so much, why didn't Iron Man and Professor X and Mister Fantastic pool their millions and just form a music agency, for God's sake? Why hassle this poor man and bully him into hearing Dazzler? It's such a strange note.
So Harry agrees, because what else can the poor man do? Say no to 40 super heroes? Oh, I'm sure they won't mind at all, or kill him or anything. Nope, of course not. Iron Man fires up his spotlight (Yes, he has a spotlight in the armor. Why not?) and Osgood hires her. There's a panel here that just slays me of all the heroes behind Dazzler listening while she sings. Half of them look lost in the moment and happy. Some of them, like the Thing, look so bored it cracks me up. Then why, I gotta ask, is he there? Whatever. She sings, Osgood signs her and as a special treat the last page is a Mighty Marvel Bonus Pin-Up page of Dazzler.
Which is another way of saying that even with all this crap going on the story still fell short a page. I have to wonder. I really do.
DAZZLER LOVE LIFE WATCH: The Beast seems enamored. He truly does. So does the Human Torch.
DAZZLER CAREER WATCH: She played her first gig (well, a few notes of it) and landed an agent!
NEXT TIME ON THE DSA: Doctor Doom!
Adam P. Knave writes fiction, as well as other things and can be found at hellblazer.net should you actually want to find him.
